Oftentimes issues arise after a divorce is final.  They could be issues about child and/or spousal support, child custody, parenting timeshare, co-parenting, and other financial issues.  Should a couple run to the nearest family law attorney and file court papers?  Is there another option? 

Sitting down with a mediator provides the parties with a less expensive, less stressful, and less acrimonious way to discuss their issues.  If they are co-parenting their children, they need to keep the lines of communication open so that they can continue to be there for their children.  When communication breaks down between co-parents, the children lose.  If they are able to talk through the issues with the help of a mediator, they can most likely resolve them without going to court. 

Over the years, I have seen many couples return to mediation months or years after their divorce in final.  Mediation helps to smooth the way as issues arise that are causing stress and financial strain.  Even couples who have not mediated their divorce, can chose to work with a mediator after a divorce.  It’s a viable option to consider when needed.

Many people are opting for a “do-it-yourself” divorce.  As a way to save money, they try to fill out the court paperwork and wade through the court process without a guide.  The divorce waters can be treacherous without some assistance. 

Some attorneys (including myself) offer limited scope assistance.  A Limited Scope Attorney-Client agreement can also include office visits, telephone calls, fax, mail, e-mail; advice about availability of alternative means to resolving the dispute, including mediation and arbitration; evaluation of Client’s self-diagnosis of the case; guidance and procedural information for filing and/or serving documents; review correspondence and court documents; prepare and/or suggest documents to be prepared; factual investigation:  contacting witnesses, public record searches, in-depth interview of client; legal research and analysis; planning for negotiations, including simulated role playing with Client; referring Client to other counsel, expert or professional; and other requested assistance.

Limited scope assistance provides an affordable way to move through the divorce process with some support from an attorney.  It can be a very viable option for many.

About three weeks ago, a new TV show debuted on the USA Network.  It takes place in San Francisco and chronicles the daily life of a mediator.  Who does she encounter and how does she help them?  The show depicts the mediator intervening whenever conflict arises, but is it accurate? 

As you can imagine, mediators are all abuzz about this new show.  It’s exciting to finally be recognized in the professional world with a TV show.  Some mediators say that we’ve finally arrived while others are not so happy about how the mediator is depicted in the show.  For years, we’ve seen lawyer shows peppering the air waves.  The legal profession has been depicted as one of glamour, excitement, and money.  Many of us in the legal profession know otherwise.  So how does this mediator show stack up next to the lawyer shows?  Time will tell. 

So far, the main character has mediated a store holdup and a dispute between a couple about an antique ring.  She’s also helped a criminal find his voice by smashing up a store with him (long story).  It’s been interesting to watch the show as a long time mediator.  While I appreciate her listening and reframing skills, I see the excessive glamour that is so network TV.  I think it will be interesting to watch how the show unfolds during future episodes.  If it can raise the public’s awareness of mediation as an alternative to court and highlight mediation’s benefits, I support those efforts 100%.  As I said before, time will tell.

“When you’re frightened don’t sit still, keep on doing something.  The act of doing will give you back your courage.”  Grace Ogot

Are you paralyzed with fear about the end of your marriage?  Are you feeling completely overwhelmed at the thought of divorce?  Are you fearful about your future and your children’s future? 

These are all very normal reactions to divorce.  Divorce is not easy.  It causes an incredible amount of anxiety and fear.  Your life as you’ve known it is changing and that can be very unsettling.  You’re concerned about finances and debt.  Will it be workable having two separate households?  How will the children get through the process?  Will you and your spouse be able to work through your differences and be able to co-parent after the divorce?

Some people may wallow in the anxiety and fear and thus take no action.  They will let the fear grip their life so hard that the thought of action is totally overwhelming.  They will not be able to move forward as long as they stay in that place.

Taking some action will give you the strength and courage you need to move on to a new life.  You are stronger than you realize if you look deep inside to your soul.  Lean on others for support and move from this core strength to take action and you will be able to move through the process to a better life.

Mediation is an option to consider as way to resolve your differences and separate your lives.  It can provide you with an avenue to communicate about your property and assets and most importantly, about your children.  Working with a Mediator, moves you through the process more efficiently with less stress and less cost.  It can be a very positive action to take when faced with the fear and anxiety of divorce.  It will move you forward from conflict to resolution and new life.

“Every tomorrow has two handles.  You can take hold of the handle of anxiety or the handle of enthusiasm.  Upon your choice so will be the day.”  Anonymous

I am convinced that our thoughts create our reality.  How we think about the upcoming day becomes the day.  If we are filled with anxiety and fear for what may happen in any given day, those feelings will bring back to us more things to be fearful and anxious about during that day.  If we are approaching a new day with enthusiasm and joy, those feelings will return to us in the form of joyful events and happiness. 

I know that some days may be difficult to get through if you are facing conflict in your personal and/or business relationships.  Conflict can be a dark cloud hanging over your head.  However, if you reframe how you look at the conflict and change your thinking, it will be manageable and resolvable. 

Mediation is a way to resolve the conflict with the other person.  Working with a Mediator, can enhance your communication skills so that you can face any disagreements in the future with renewed confidence.

Another option to help with understanding and working through conflict in your life is Conflict Coaching.  In the coaching process, you examine your beliefs and feelings about conflict and how you can approach the other person in an effort to work together to resolve your differences.

We have a choice every day about how we look at our life and the events that happen.  We can choose the handle of joy or we can choose the handle of anxiety and fear.  What is your choice for today?

How does mediation transform your life?  What can your life look like after mediation? 

If there is conflict in your life, you know the emotional and financial pain you are experiencing.  Whether it is a failed marriage, difficulty with a business partner or vendor, or fighting among your siblings about the care of an aging parent, you are feeling pain.  How can you alleviate the pain and move forward?  How can your life be transformed?

Mediation offers a way out of the pain.  With the help of a mediator, you are able to talk to each other and be heard in a way that could not happen in a courtroom.  By listening to each other and talking the issues through, you can transform your relationship and go on with your lives.  If you are a couple who has decided to end your marriage, you can go through the divorce process and emerge with dignity and respect for each other having cultivated a cooperative atmosphere to raise your children into the future.  If you are a business owner who is no longer able to communicate with your business partner or vendor, you can mend the relationship so that you can return to business.  If you are a member of a family who has been fighting about how to care for your elderly parent, you can form an alliance with your siblings and make plans to care for your loved one. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  There is hope.  Mediation provides the light and hope so that you can move forward from conflict to resolution.  It can transform your life.

“We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way.  Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don’t overlook it.”  Anonymous

It is so important to remember the power of gratitude.  Being grateful lightens your spirit and brightens your day.  You appreciate so many more aspects of your life when you are grateful.  You see joy and experience happiness.  Even in the midst of difficulty, it is vital to practice gratitude so that you can see the good in your life and get through the pain.  As they say, “there is always, always something to be grateful for.”  Remember to be grateful – the world will look brighter.

As I reflect on the New Year, I am making many important decisions about the direction of my mediation practice.  One of them is to get back to my blog.  When I went on vacation in August of last year, I took a break from my blog, e-mail, office, etc.  However, when I came back two weeks later, I never returned to my blog.  Well, with the New Year, that changes.  I intend to get back to blogging twice a week and adding some video to my blog in the coming weeks.  You need information to make informed choices about how to resolve conflict in your relationships.  I intend to provide it to you.  It is my hope that the information I give you will be helpful as you look for ways to manage conflict in your life.  Please let me know if you have specific questions or concerns that I can address here.  Together we can find a new way to bring peace into your life.

How do couples end their marriages and divide their households during these difficult economic times?  I have encountered numerous couples in this last year who have been faced with the daunting task of splitting the household pot of money into two to set up their separate households. 

This has always been difficult for couples to do in the past, but it has been particularly challenging in the last few years.  With the economic downturn, downsizing/layoffs/furloughs, and foreclosures, etc., divorcing couples have been struggling with how to divide their shrinking resources so that they can separate and provide for themselves and their children.  They need to be creative and flexible in how they achieve this goal.  This is where mediation comes in.  It allows for a tremendous amount of creative negotiation around the financial realities of two households.  I have witnessed many couples work together to find a novel way to provide for their families.  There is only so much money to go around and they need to make it work.  Mediation gives them the opportunity to talk it through and come up with a plan that works for everyone.

Culture has a huge impact on conflict in family relationships.  In my work with couples and families, I have seen issues of culture play a large role in how parties interact and communicate. 

Within a marriage context, culture can often divide a couple when it comes to issues of extended family.  Many cultures expect the oldest son (and his wife and children) to live with his parents.  Sometimes this can cause incredible strain on a marriage, especially if the wife has a different cultural background. 

In families dealing with the issues of elderly parents, cultural norms and expectations can cause extra stress on the parents and siblings.  Who is supposed to care for an elderly mother when the father has passed away?  Is it acceptable to place Mom in an assisted living facility if she is supposed to live with extended family?  What if caring for Mom has become too stressful for family members and extra care is necessary?  All of these issues must be viewed through a cultural lens.

 How can these issues be resolved taking into account the family’s cultural background?  Mediation affords couples and families an opportunity to discuss these issues and come to resolution.  The court system does not look at culture and how it affects conflict in relationships.  Working with a mediator gives the parties a chance to talk through these issues and reach agreements that take into consideration the family’s cultural background.