“Always believe in yourselves as parents.  You are the best your children have.”   Anonymous

How can you be there for your children when your world is turned upside down by divorce/separation?  How can you co-parent effectively when you’re emotionally drained by the divorce process?

Divorce is a very difficult time that shakes you to the core.  Going through a divorce myself years ago, I remember how tough it was to go to work, parent my daughter, and handle everyday responsibilities.  It feels like you’re walking around in a blur – just putting one foot in front of the other to get through the day.  Your routine is totally disrupted as you deal with the grief, sorrow, loss, intense change, etc.  During this time, it is important to take care of yourself and lean on family, friends, colleagues, etc. for support.  You may want to consider outside counseling as a way to help you cope.

It is important to remember not to lean on your children for emotional support – no matter what their age.  If you can, do your best not to put them in the middle or talk to them about adult issues.  Children, of any age, are not equipped to handle this and should not be asked to do it.  They are going through their own issues with the divorce and need support from their parents and other family members.  You need to be there for your children in a loving, supportive, caring way as they work through the changes and difficulties of divorce.  Remember to love them and do what you can as you are the best your children have.

“Conflict begins at the moment of birth.”  Jean Baker Miller, American Psychiatrist

As you know, conflict is a part of life.  It begins in our childhood and on into our adulthood.  We deal with conflict on a daily basis – whether it’s with our children, our spouse/partner, a family member, a friend, a co-worker, etc.  It’s inevitable whenever we are involved in relationships – personal or professional.  How do we deal with it constructively so we can mend our relationships and move forward?

Conflict coaching offers you assistance with managing conflict.  Working with a conflict coach you examine how you view conflict, who you are in the conflict, and who holds the power in the conflict.  Looking at these aspects of the conflict can give you a new perspective about how to deal with it and be in your relationship.  The conflict coach can also help you determine how to approach the other person in an effort to resolve the differences between you.  You learn about your communication style and examine what is working and not working for you.  As you improve your communication skills, you are better able to talk with loved ones, friends, and business associates.

Are you going through a difficult divorce?  Are you concerned about the impact on your children?  Are you having trouble coping with this major change in your life?

Divorce is a life-changing event.  It can be traumatic, sad, and stressful. Everything you hoped for – your dream – is shattered.  Working through this difficult time can be challenging.  But it is possible to survive divorce and create a new life for you and your children.  With the helpful support of family and friends, you can emerge from the process with a new perspective and resolve for the future.  It can make you stronger as you face this adversity and move on.

Mediation can ease the pain and difficulty by making the divorce process less stressful, less emotionally draining, and less expensive than going to court.  You feel empowered because you are making decisions that impact yourself and your children in a positive way.  It allows you to come through the process with dignity, integrity and grace in a way that the adversarial court process doesn’t.  Going through a divorce is never easy, but mediation can help you move forward with your life.

“There is only one courage and that is the courage to let go of the past, not to collect it, not to accumulate it, not to cling to it.  We all cling to the past, and because we cling to the past we become unavailable to the present.” Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Indian spiritual leader.

Are you stuck living in the past?  Are you resenting the past and not able to move forward?  When you live in your past, you can’t be present now.  We sometimes experience a challenge that completely changes our lives such as a divorce or separation.  When we hold on to the anger, hurt, resentments, etc. of the past, we cannot live in the here and now.  We need to move forward in a constructive way so that we can be there for our children.

Mediation offers a way to move through the changes while you maintain your dignity and reorder your life.  It empowers you to speak up for what you need, air your emotions and concerns, and create a new life for yourself and your children.  It takes courage to let go of the past and move beyond it.  Mediation gives you the courage to move forward with your life.

Have you ever been embroiled in a conflict with a family member, friend, co-worker, or boss and wished you could have talked to someone who could help you through it?  A Conflict Coach is someone who is trained in conflict management and can help you determine how to approach the conflict.  Conflict coaching is a process in which a coach and client communicate one-on-one for the purpose of looking at who the client is in the conflict, how they feel about it, and who holds the power in the conflict.

 The Conflict Coach hears your conflict story and then helps you determine the best way to approach the conflict.  What would be the best outcome?  Should you approach the other person or let it go?  They also determine your current communication skills – what is working and what needs improvement.  How culture (both personally and that of the organization) plays into the conflict is also examined.  It is also important to look at how we communicate with gestures, looks, use of personal space, etc.  A Conflict Coach can also help you improve your listening skills. 

 Progress Mediation is now offering conflict coaching for individuals.  This can be especially helpful if the other party will not agree to participate in mediation.  When this happens, you are still dealing with the conflict and may need some assistance.  Conflict coaching provides a very helpful way to maneuver through conflict and move forward with your life.

Did you know that mediation is a confidential process?  What does that mean?  Whatever is said during a mediation consultation and during mediation sessions, and all other communications during the mediation process are confidential.  This communication cannot be used later in a court setting if the mediation ends.  The only document admissible in court is the agreement made between the parties.

Also, the mediator cannot be called to testify in court as to anything that was discussed during the mediation process.  The parties can talk to whomever they please about the mediation, but the mediator will not do so.  The mediator keeps the information she hears confidential.  However, should there be any discussion of possible child abuse or the commission of a crime of violence, the mediator will report such information to the authorities.

The courts and legislature of California have repeatedly held steady to their decision to keep mediation confidential.  Why do the legislature and the courts uphold this aspect of mediation?  They want the parties to be able to freely exchange information and ideas for agreement without the fear that it will be used against them by the other party later in court.  This free exchange between the parties leads to the creative brainstorming that results in mutually agreeable solutions.

When you are preparing for a mediation, you need to think about the issues you want to discuss, your interests, and your goals.  What do you really want?  How will your life change if you get what you’re asking for?  How important is it to you to get certain issues resolved?  What will be gained by pursuing a specific need or want?

Once you have thought about these perspectives on your situation, you are better prepared to discuss them during mediation.  The mediator will guide both parties through the pertinent issues by focusing on your needs, wants, and interests.  It is the mediator’s job to facilitate your communication and check in with all parties to assess how they’re doing and where they are in the process.  With the skillful guidance of the mediator, each party will be heard, understood, and empowered to work toward a mutually agreeable solution to their differences.

Mediation empowers participants.  It gives them responsibility and control over the issues and outcome.  The mediation process is private and confidential.  It allows the parties to move beyond surface issues in disputes and address underlying issues and problems.  Parties can hear and discuss one another’s side of the story during mediation.

In elder care matters, mediation can help assure maximum possible control over basic life decisions for the elder and care recipients, while also addressing their needs for assistance.  It focuses on shared decision making which eases the stress of one party being the sole decision maker.

Parties work together to reach mutually acceptable solutions to difficult problems.  It is highly effective because the parties design their own agreements.  During the mediation process, participants are taught conflict resolution skills that can be used at home or elsewhere.  Finally, mediation preserves and strengthens relationships.  Because you can talk through your differences, you can usually restructure you family relationships in a way that works best for everyone.

Mediation is a process in which people meet in a private, confidential setting to work out a solution to their problem with the help of a neutral person, the mediator.  The mediator does not decide who is right or wrong and does not force the disputing parties to reach agreement or to accept particular terms in an agreement.  Instead, the mediator listens to the parties explain the problem and their concerns as they see them and present their ideas on how the matter might be resolved.  The mediator helps the parties develop and agree upon a workable solution.

Mediation can be thought of as a way of sharing decision making responsibilities among family members.  It may take the form of a family meeting to share information on a family member’s care, develop options, and reach consensus on difficult decisions.  The mediation process may also be helpful in resolving a dispute this is impacting family members, caregivers, and the care recipient.

Dealing with decisions about the personal or financial needs of a family member can be complicated and stressful when options appear limited. Some family members may feel overwhelmed by the care needs of their loved one, particularly when juggling those needs with the needs of children, other family members, or career demands.  Mediation gives families a chance to talk together about problems and with the guidance from a trained mediator, work together to find solutions acceptable to everyone involved.

Many people believe that the only time you experience grief is when you lose a a loved one.  It is important to remember that you can experience many other types of loss that must be grieved.  When you experience other losses, you also go through the same feelings and physical symptoms of grief as you would with a death.  Grief is experienced when you lose a job, lose your home, divorce, move, change careers, etc.  I would like to focus on the grief you feel when you divorce.

Divorce is a very stressful event in your life.  Ending your relationship and moving into the world as a single person is life altering.  You find yourself grieving the loss of companionship and the loss of a dream that you had when you first married or became partners.  You may tell yourself that this was not part of your life plan.  Your life was planned around spending the rest of your life with your spouse/partner.  The intense change can be overwhelming.  You may feel tired, tense, restless, sad, lonely, angry, anxious, depressed, fearful, helpless, absent-minded, and confused.  As you can see, the list of physical and emotional symptoms of grief is quite long. How can you find some help with your grief?

I would suggest seeking some professional counseling with a therapist who is familiar with divorce and its effects.  You can also seek spiritual guidance from a pastor/rabbi if you are so inclined.  These professionals are trained to deal with grief and can help you assess your situation and move forward with your life.  You may also want to consider divorce mediation as a way to ease you through the divorce process.  It is less stressful and emotionally draining than hiring attorneys and fighting in court.  Finding a way to take care of yourself during a divorce can go a long way to ensuring your emotional health and that of your children after the divorce.