Sitting down with a mediator provides the parties with a less expensive, less stressful, and less acrimonious way to discuss their issues.  If they are co-parenting their children, they need to keep the lines of communication open so that they can continue to be there for their children.  When communication breaks down between co-parents, the children lose.  If they are able to talk through the issues with the help of a mediator, they can most likely resolve them without going to court. 

Over the years, I have seen many couples return to mediation months or years after their divorce in final.  Mediation helps to smooth the way as issues arise that are causing stress and financial strain.  Even couples who have not mediated their divorce, can chose to work with a mediator after a divorce.  It’s a viable option to consider when needed.

Are you paralyzed with fear about the end of your marriage?  Are you feeling completely overwhelmed at the thought of divorce?  Are you fearful about your future and your children’s future? 

These are all very normal reactions to divorce.  Divorce is not easy.  It causes an incredible amount of anxiety and fear.  Your life as you’ve known it is changing and that can be very unsettling.  You’re concerned about finances and debt.  Will it be workable having two separate households?  How will the children get through the process?  Will you and your spouse be able to work through your differences and be able to co-parent after the divorce?

Some people may wallow in the anxiety and fear and thus take no action.  They will let the fear grip their life so hard that the thought of action is totally overwhelming.  They will not be able to move forward as long as they stay in that place.

Taking some action will give you the strength and courage you need to move on to a new life.  You are stronger than you realize if you look deep inside to your soul.  Lean on others for support and move from this core strength to take action and you will be able to move through the process to a better life.

Mediation is an option to consider as way to resolve your differences and separate your lives.  It can provide you with an avenue to communicate about your property and assets and most importantly, about your children.  Working with a Mediator, moves you through the process more efficiently with less stress and less cost.  It can be a very positive action to take when faced with the fear and anxiety of divorce.  It will move you forward from conflict to resolution and new life.

How can you be there for your children when your world is turned upside down by divorce/separation?  How can you co-parent effectively when you’re emotionally drained by the divorce process?

Divorce is a very difficult time that shakes you to the core.  Going through a divorce myself years ago, I remember how tough it was to go to work, parent my daughter, and handle everyday responsibilities.  It feels like you’re walking around in a blur – just putting one foot in front of the other to get through the day.  Your routine is totally disrupted as you deal with the grief, sorrow, loss, intense change, etc.  During this time, it is important to take care of yourself and lean on family, friends, colleagues, etc. for support.  You may want to consider outside counseling as a way to help you cope.

It is important to remember not to lean on your children for emotional support – no matter what their age.  If you can, do your best not to put them in the middle or talk to them about adult issues.  Children, of any age, are not equipped to handle this and should not be asked to do it.  They are going through their own issues with the divorce and need support from their parents and other family members.  You need to be there for your children in a loving, supportive, caring way as they work through the changes and difficulties of divorce.  Remember to love them and do what you can as you are the best your children have.

Are you stuck living in the past?  Are you resenting the past and not able to move forward?  When you live in your past, you can’t be present now.  We sometimes experience a challenge that completely changes our lives such as a divorce or separation.  When we hold on to the anger, hurt, resentments, etc. of the past, we cannot live in the here and now.  We need to move forward in a constructive way so that we can be there for our children.

Mediation offers a way to move through the changes while you maintain your dignity and reorder your life.  It empowers you to speak up for what you need, air your emotions and concerns, and create a new life for yourself and your children.  It takes courage to let go of the past and move beyond it.  Mediation gives you the courage to move forward with your life.

So often, parents are not sure how to talk to their children about separation/divorce.  This resource list has many different books for children ages 12 and up, 8 to 12, and up to age 7.  Some of the books provide guidance to parents about how to talk to their children and some are geared directly to the children.  When a child knows that they are not alone in experiencing separation/divorce, it can go a long way to heal their hurts and normalize their situation.  Separation/Divorce is a very scary experience for children.  You want to do what you can to help them through it.  You also owe it to yourself to find valuable resources to assist you along the journey.  I hope this list is helpful for you and your family.

Mediation is an option that centers on the well-being of the children and affords you the chance to work together in a new and better way for their sake. A co-parenting plan is reviewed and discussed in great detail. It is often included in your final dissolution agreement – something judges love to see. Judges want to know that the parents have taken the time to look at co-parenting in the best interests of their children. During the mediation process, you are given the opportunity to discuss how you will co-parent your children as you move forward with your lives. The mediator facilitates your communication so that all of your concerns, needs, and interests are heard and considered. Mediation helps you create a cooperative co-parenting model to help you be there for your children.

Last weekend, I came down with the flu (thus no blog post last Monday). Not something a busy working mother of a two school-aged children needed at the time. Between my full time mediation practice and my family life, I am very busy. I didn’t realize how well-oiled our family machine had become until a wrench was thrown into the works. Everything usually worked smoothly with my husband taking care of my 9-year old son’s homework and soccer practices, etc. I was busy managing our 14-year old daughter’s high school studies and Irish Dancing classes two to three times a week (which are 40 minutes one way from our home). I also took care of morning drop-offs and high school carpool once a week. My husband picked up our son everyday at 3:00 p.m. All worked well until I couldn’t handle my part.

Everyday, my husband and I would discuss the newly revised game plan for the next day. I couldn’t drive or help with the morning routine. He jumped right in and offered to take over in the morning, afternoon, and even with the carpool run to the high school (something he had never done before). Now, I know you’d say I have an exceptional husband who goes above and beyond and you’re right – I do. But, beyond that, it took constant communication between us to make it work. Everyone should remember – talk to each other and work together. It’s key in a relationship.

Children’s interests are central to the decision-making process when you mediate.  Co-parenting plans give you the opportunity to discuss and agree to provisions that guide you into the future.  At Progress Mediation, we offer the services of a therapist co-mediator who understands child development issues and the effect of divorce on children.  She brings her expertise to the table and enhances the mediation process.

When you work with co-mediators, your child’s best interests are central to the process.  Children are not used as “pawns” in the battle between the parties.  In the end, agreements are reached that are best for you, your former spouse, and your children.

Judges are usually pleased to see an equitable mediated divorce agreement when they review the final paperwork. They especially like to see a co-parenting plan is included in the final agreement. Progress Mediation offers a comprehensive co-parenting plan for our clients. It includes provisions for every phase of childhood from infancy through the teenage years. This working plan helps parents make the transition with their children. It is highly beneficial for the children as there are guidelines for co-parenting.

If you’re considering a separation/divorce or in the middle of one, think about mediation as an alternative to stressful court hearings. You have more of say in what happens with your life and your children’s if you work with a mediator to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. If you go to court, a judge will make the decisions for you. Mediation is an avenue to avoid court and move forward with your lives.

A mediator is trained to act as a translator – a neutral third party who is impartial and not invested in the outcome. The mediator can really hear and understand what you are trying to say and then help you convey the message to your spouse/partner. Because they are not emotionally invested in the issues being discussed, they can listen without bias. They keep the playing field level, if you will. They summarize the message in a way that is understandable to the other person. Having a third party to translate for you is extremely valuable and helpful. Mediation reduces misunderstandings between the spouses/partners and helps them learn to communicate more effectively. The process is helpful with couples who are trying to strengthen their relationships as well as those that are separating and need to be cooperative co-parents for the sake of their children.