Within a marriage context, culture can often divide a couple when it comes to issues of extended family.  Many cultures expect the oldest son (and his wife and children) to live with his parents.  Sometimes this can cause incredible strain on a marriage, especially if the wife has a different cultural background. 

In families dealing with the issues of elderly parents, cultural norms and expectations can cause extra stress on the parents and siblings.  Who is supposed to care for an elderly mother when the father has passed away?  Is it acceptable to place Mom in an assisted living facility if she is supposed to live with extended family?  What if caring for Mom has become too stressful for family members and extra care is necessary?  All of these issues must be viewed through a cultural lens.

 How can these issues be resolved taking into account the family’s cultural background?  Mediation affords couples and families an opportunity to discuss these issues and come to resolution.  The court system does not look at culture and how it affects conflict in relationships.  Working with a mediator gives the parties a chance to talk through these issues and reach agreements that take into consideration the family’s cultural background.

I can offer them my services as a Relationship Mediator.  Many mediators have encountered couples going through the divorce process who comment when it’s all over that they wish they had known about mediation while they were still married.  Through the mediation process, they have learned to better communicate and have rediscovered the commonalities that brought them together in the first place.  As a result of these comments by couples, Marital (also known as Relationship) Mediation was born.

Relationship Mediation helps the couple with their communication skills and helps them to problem solve some of the basic issues in their marriage, such as, finances, career, sex, family life, children’s issues, household responsibilities, etc.  It is a forward thinking approach to saving a marriage.  It is not in-depth marriage counseling which often looks at personality disorders and family of origin issues.  Mediators are not qualified to conduct marriage counseling unless they are dual professionals with a therapist degree/license. 

A couple who work with a mediator can restructure their relationship and move forward.  It is an affordable and worthwhile option to consider if your marriage is not as strong as you would like.

Our thoughts about an event, our current situation, another person, our work, etc. have an incredible impact on our lives.  What happens to us is one thing.  How we react to it is another.  When you are going through a difficult time such as divorce, you may adopt a depressed, sad, anxious attitude about your life.  If you do so, life will seem difficult, burdened, and upsetting.  Changing your attitude (your thoughts) about your life can make a huge difference in how you move through it. 

When I went through my divorce over 20 years ago, I recall the hurt, pain, sadness, and uncertainty.  It is not an easy time for you and your children.  You need to grieve the loss and feel the pain.  But, once you have done so with the support of family and friends (and perhaps professional counseling as well), you can change your thoughts about the event.  If you can look at it is an empowering time for positive change, you can embrace your new life and move forward.  Positive thinking can do so much to change your outlook and bring good into your life.  You will survive and grow after your divorce.  There is life after divorce – embrace it with a new attitude!

It is my passion and mission to help people find a better way to resolve their disagreements.  It breaks my heart to see people in physical and emotional pain as a result of the conflict in their relationships.  The negative effects of conflict take such a heavy toll on people.  After years of working with attorneys who went to court, I saw firsthand the devastating effects of litigation.  It is not a system that mends and repairs relationships.  It usually destroys relationships and causes deep resentment and hurt making it almost impossible to move forward.

Mediation is a better way to resolve conflict.  It gives people the opportunity to speak to each other, be heard, and understood.  This open communication provides the lifeline to mend relationships.  The outcome is more positive.  The parties usually follow through on their commitments because it is their agreement.  They have been empowered to speak for themselves and find a mutually agreeable resolution for all parties.

So when I’m asked about how I can be in the midst of arguing couples and/or families, I tell people that I am here to serve and help people find a way to communicate so that they move on and live in peace.

Arbitration involves a neutral third party who listens to witnesses and reviews evidence before making a decision for the parties.  It is less formal than a court trial, but still produces a decision imposed on the parties. Arbitration is often used in civil/commercial matters.

Mediation is different.  A mediator is a neutral third party who doesn’t hear testimony or review documents.  More importantly, a mediator does not make decisions for the parties.  She/He does not act as a judge.  The mediator is there to help the parties communicate in a way that will assist them in resolving their differences.  The parties decide the outcome.  They are empowered to make their own decisions about their future.  They come up with a mutually agreeable resolution to their problems.

So, you can see that the processes are very different.  While they are often grouped under the heading of “Alternative Dispute Resolution”, they are very different in their approach and outcome.

Life is too short to be bogged down in the past.  The past is gone, but we can learn from it.  We are here in the present and we look hopefully toward the future.  Try not to have any regrets about your past and move forward with enthusiasm for your future.

Mediation is an option.  When you work with a mediator, you can talk about your wants, needs, and concerns during the mediation process.  The mediator helps you and your spouse to hear each other and understand your perspectives in a way that cannot happen in court.  You are empowered to make your own decisions that impact your lives as well as your children’s.  The mediator, as a neutral and impartial third party, does not make decisions for you.  She guides you through the divorce process in a way that allows you to make the important choices that will work best for you and your children.  You are part of the process and given the information you need to make informed decisions.  In this way, you chose what is best.  You can then move forward with your new life.

When you are going through a divorce, one of the strongest emotions is fear. Fear of the process, fear of the unknown, and fear of the future are common feelings that surface.  How do you overcome your fears and move forward?

It is very important to get accurate information about the divorce process so that you can make informed decisions about co-parenting and property division.  What do all of these documents mean?  What do I need to file? What do I want the final outcome to look like?  A divorce mediator can help both parties navigate the divorce process in a very efficient and affordable way.

During the mediation, the attorney/mediator provides both of you with the legal information you need to understand the process and decide the important issues involving your children and your property.  Having this information can help alleviate your fears about the legal process as well as your future.  Because you are making the decisions and not being told what to do by your attorneys and/or the judge, you can craft them in a way that works best for you and your family.  Mediation provides a safe environment to discuss your concerns, needs, and interests so that you can resolve your differences and move forward with your lives.

Divorce mediation is an option.  It focuses on the needs of the couple – not a court schedule.  It takes an average of three to six months to move through a divorce using mediation.  This is considerably less time than litigation. You’re not dependent upon court calendars, attorney schedules, etc.  You sit down with your partner and the mediator and discuss the issues resolving them in a way that is mutually agreeable to both of you.  You don’t spend years in court.  Because you both have made decisions that benefit you and your family, you leave resentments and anger behind.  In this way, you can move forward with your lives.  Mediation provides an efficient and affordable way to divorce.

When you’re going through a divorce, it may feel like a thousand miles until you reach your new destination – a life of peace and renewed hope.  It can feel like that point in your life will never come.  It can be difficult to focus on your children, your work, and everyday activities.  Divorce can be emotionally draining and difficult to process.  But, there is hope for a brighter future if you take that first step and get some help and support.

I recommend that my clients get some professional counseling as they go through a divorce.  Many therapists are specially trained to deal with the issues of separation and divorce.  They can be there for you and your children as you adjust to your new life.  It can be very beneficial to talk to someone who is experienced in dealing with these issues.  When you take that first step to find emotional support, you are empowered to move forward in your journey toward a new beginning – a new life after divorce.